Satire: How to be an OK Blind Person

Just a little word before we begin. The following is a work of satire, and is full of very dark sarcasm. It is not really what I think, but is a satire
on what I think are overly self-conscious, paranoid and otherwise belittling attitudes some blind folks can have towards other blind folks. If you feel
such a thing might hit too close to home and cause great damage, if you do not appreciate dark cynical sarcasm, or if you are just easily offended, you
are advised to skip this blog entry immediately! There will be no more apology or disclaimer past this point, not even in comments, in your e-mail, or
to your lawyer. Here endeth the disclaimer, and now, on to the satire.

How to be an OK blind person ...
Before we begin, a few things. First of all, I must say that if you are
reading this, you are a bad blind person! Yes, that's right! That's you!
Bad, bad, bad through and through! However, with the tips I have to offer
here, I can at least get you to the level of being an OK blind person. I
haven't met a truly good blind person and such a being may be the stuff of
myth and legend, so all I can do is help you to become OK. This means that
people in the world at large might walk past you and say hi without staring
at you, asking questions that are too intimate, or wishing for supernatural
powers to magically transform you into a sighted person by the power of
faith. This list is by no means complete. Also, it is a given that you must
totally eliminate all blindisms in public or private and dress in
appropriate attire which should always match and be free of stains or holes
or other imperfections. If others tell you that as long as you eliminate
blindisms and dress properly and otherwise you can be yourself, they are
full of it. Remember, your goal is this, and it is the one and only goal
that all blind people, no matter what, should strive for. First, you must
prove to the world you are capable and independent. Second, you must appear
just as a sighted person to be found acceptable in their midst. So, just
acting and looking appropriate won't even give you a friendly nod that
you'll not see anyway. Listen and learn, young grasshopper.
1. Remember, at any time of the day, you are being watched, and so you must
perform. We all understand that any one blind person represents all blind
people on the entire planet. Only the sighted majority are individuals
because they are the sighted majority and have earned that right due to
their sheer numbers and of course built-in majority privilege.
Disappointing your audience is not an option. Things like privacy, a good
night's sleep, free time, contentment, happiness, and relaxation are
luxuries you cannot afford in your mission to prove to the world you are
just like everyone else.
2. Not only are you subject to the judgments of the sighted, but you are
also subject to the judgments of your fellow blind people. To be seen as
dependent in any way by either group is the kiss of death, and everything
you think or do must be approved by your local blind community first.
3. Within a given city, you are allowed only two modes of transportation.
Your feet, and the local fixed-route bus system. Using airplanes may be an
option for moving from one city to another, but that must be approved by
your local blind community before you decide to buy your ticket. Use of
paratransit, cabs, and getting rides from your spouse, co-workers, friends,
or family will make you look dependent, even though the sighted drive around
in cars all the time. Life is unfair, and you don't want to disappoint life,
do you?
4. Not only should you get off your lazy ass and get a damn job, but you
should purposely get adamn job you hate. When the ever-observant general
public see how much you are suffering and sacrificing for the good of
Society, they will be pleased. Remember that Society must always be pleased
at any cost. Refer to item 1 for clarification.
5. As an approved member of the blind community and as part of its elite
squad, use any opportunity to brutally criticize and browbeat any blind
person that has not reached your level of independence. Remember to trot out
all those anecdotes about blind people you know who did not move out of the
house at exactly eighteen, who have everything done for them, and don't even
know how to cook on the stove. Your listeners will assume you are overall
superior to such scum, even though you have pizza delivered three times a
week.
6. in a continuing effort to prove your independence to the world, it has
been discovered that just being able to cook from scratch and use the stove
and oven is not enough. You are now required by your local blind community
not only to grow your own vegetables, but you must also be able to properly
raise and slaughter your own animals for meat. This will assure you that the
sighted people who formerly snubbed you and thought you were a weirdo will
suddenly warm up to you enough to say hi to you as they pass by to meet much
more interesting and worthy people.
7. Be normal. I mean, be really normal. If you have eccentric points of view
or tastes, eliminate them. To prove how well you are assimilated into
society, you must be so normal that if someone as bland as, let's say, a
certified public accountant, or even a consultant for Clear Channel
Communications, thinks of your name, they will fall into an instant coma
brought on by sheer boredom for at least the next fourteen weeks.
8. Remember that society is always right, because it is society. Even if you
think any of society's ideas and notions are bullshit, never admit that, or
you will be thrown out and nobody will like you because you didn't follow
the rules.
9. This is a sighted world. That means that the sighted own and rule this
world. You don't and you never will, because it is not your world. Do not
expect them to accommodate you at all, because they don't have to unless it
is a law or they are paid or their reputations are on the line. You actually
do not belong here.
10. As often as possible, grumble about the unemployed blind people who stay
at home and take a monthly government check. When asked or confronted,
mention laziness, unwillingness to live up to full potential, misuse of the
system, or leeching of tax dollars. However, you must privately believe that
your real beef is that you can't stand it that people less worthy than you
are having a better time and doing what they want when you have to work at a
job you hate, and you just can't stand it. Life is still unfair.
11. I need to say it again just in case you didn't get it. Life is unfair
and must continue to be unfair because it is tradition. If life were fair,
then it wouldn't be life and nobody would know how to act anyhow, and it
would make God mad.
12. I must emphasize that you are being watched and judged during all waking
hours. One way to prove to the world how truly independent you are and how
much you are just another person is this. Never accept a ride from anyone in
a car or call a cab. Even if the weather is such that no sane person should
go out in it, you must wait out in such weather so you can be seen as
independent until your bus comes. Refuse all offers from sighted people
driving in their nice, warm, dry cars because if you are seen daring to ride
with one of them, nobody will like you and think you're just a weirdo freak.
13. Keep busy. If there is free time before or after work, keep as many
commitments and obligations as you can. This will keep you from having to
think about how much pain you're in, how much sleep you've lost, or how wet
and cold and miserable you are waiting for that bus while everyone else is
in their ... well, let's not think about that, shall we? Don't forget, we're
trying to get sighted people to think you're normal and say hi to you in
passing. You don't want people to think you're a weirdo, do you?
14. Be polite and patient, always. Remember, only the sighted majority have
the right to have a bad day and express a bad mood because of it. When you
have a bad day, hold all anger in and hide it well. If one harsh comment or
angry word or expression slips, you have just ruined any advances we have
made in the last hundred years and you will have set us all back, due to
you're reinforcing the stereotype of the angry blind person. You must
reinforce the stereotype of the ever-patient and ever-polite blind person.
15. It is a fact. All unemployed blind people are lazy and that's all. If
you are discouraged to work because of past discrimination in the field you
chose to go into, or if you are just tired of working or looking for work,
or if you just haven't decided what you want to be paid to do because
nothing would make you happy, these are all lame stupid excuses.
Discrimination against the blind, the disabled, or anyone who isn't a white
male has never existed, and it is obvious that anyone who thinks
discrimination exists has brought it on their heads and on the heads of all
people, living or dead. You are a fat, lazy, tax-money-stealing welfare bum
and you do not deserve any of the money you get, ever. You should be ashamed
of yourself and you have set us all back two hundred years because of your
fat, stupid, degenerate self. If you want the blind to advance to be merely
tolerated, each and every blind person who is taking the government check
should just get up and go get a job. Refer to item 4 for clarification.
16. If people act weird around you, fear offending you, ask you about your
service dog but don't want to know about you, and so forth, it is entirely
and completely your own damn fault. Obviously you just don't look sighted
enough. I don't care if you are totally blind and could not learn facial
expressions and body language and other non-verbal communications naturally
through imitation. Learn them anyway and be natural at it or you will have
set us all back three hundred years. I must emphasize that if you dare to
even sneeze in the wrong direction or the wrong way, it affects all blind
people in the world, no matter if they live in the most remote village in
the most remote continent. Individuality is a luxury none of us can afford
if we are to be grudgingly put up with by the rest of the world.
17. Be conservative. Not necessarily politically, although if political
conservatives are the majority, it helps. What I mean is, keep all your
tastes and interests within the realms of the mainstream. If you like music,
try to enjoy standard top 40 pop or soft rock or country music. Oh, if you
are older, oldies are fine, as long as they are not too obscure. Don't be
too weird or geeky or else you'll never have any friends.
18. If you feel awkward around large groups of people, or just people in
general, it is as clear as the nose on your face that you are some
degenerate loser who lacks social skills and are just a loser and an
embarrassment. If you are blind you cannot afford the luxury of being an
introvert, because you are not an individual. Being introverted is for loser
freak Commie junkie sex offender creepy loner psycho killer weirdos
anyhow, and you don't want to be one of those, do you?
19. I must emphasize that you are to get up off your lazy stupid ass, get
off the internet, get off the chat lines and get a goddamn job! We don't
care what it is, we don't care if you hate it, we don't care if you are
unhappy doing it! Get a goddamn job and get it now! Remember that if you are
sitting on the government check, all of your waking hours should be spent
trying to get a job in order to get off the check. You must continue trying
until you reach retirement age, without giving up. If you are rejected for
being blind, it is obvious that it's all your fault because discrimination
does not exist. People just hate you for not appearing sighted enough, so
get those skills up and keep thinking positively no matter what.
20. And finally, stop playing the victim. If you are treated strangely,
prayed for, yelled at because people think you're deaf, rejected by
potential employers or lovers, or any of the myriad bad things that can
happen to you, you are getting absolutely what you deserve and it must be
because you just aren't capable enough or just aren't blending in enough in
order to deserve respectful treatment. It's all your fault and it's all up
to you. As the blind community, we are obligated to yell at you, berate and
belittle you, and otherwise knock you out of your comfort zone. Comfort
zones are always bad, so we have no use for them. If you want sympathy and
support, do not look to us because it is impossible for us to do such
things.
Now that you are armed and fortified with these twenty pointers, it's time
to get out there into that big wide cold cruel world and survive like you've
never survived before! Go get 'em, tiger!